Letter To a Young Comedian
March 24, 2008
And so it begins
Today you honor the persistent call of your soul and leap
into the magnificent unknown; terrain which will become familiar
which in time will become home
You will become intimate
with uncertainty
with doubt
with complete terror
You will learn not to resist
but to embrace these frequent visitors
And as you navigate your path
they will become
trusted companions
as necessary
as confidence
as boldness
as belief
Understand
You are doing nothing less
than facilitating
your own birth
Declaring “I am”
Lending your voice to the celestial choir
that exclaims
Yes
I believe
A belief that will be
repeatedly tested
challenged
mocked
But with the simple and
heroic
act of
continuing on
you are asserting
that you are numbered
among
the believers
Welcome
Gas Leak
March 14, 2008
I’m sitting in a cafe, reading, and this older dude just farted. Pretty loudly. Myself and a woman both looked up and the guy says “Sorry”. Really matter of factly.
Honestly, I was okay with it once he apologized. He owned up to it. He didn’t try to pretend it wasn’t him or ignore the fact that he just ripped one. A simple “Sorry” and we all went back to what we were doing, a tacit acceptance of his fart apology.
In my head I was thinking “Apology accepted but you’re banned for like, two weeks.” If I farted audibly in a public place I could not show my face there for at least two weeks. We’ll see if he imposes the same strict standards on himself. Had it smelled the ban would automatically jump to four weeks, so he was lucky in that regard. I’ll be watching for that guy.
Staring Contest
March 8, 2008
During the early show last night I noticed an older guy, stage right, who was stone faced and staring past the stage looking almost frightened. A bit later I noticed an even older gentleman, stage left, who was also unresponsive and staring into space. Occasionally you get people sitting right up front who have that deer-in-headlights look, to the point where they’re almost unable to enjoy the show. It was oddly amusing to me and I had to point it out so I said “I don’t mean to interrupt but are the two of you having a staring contest? Well, good luck to you both; may the best man win. I’ll do my best to stay out of your sight lines.”
Throughout the show I would go back to them and pepper some comments , some play-by-play about how their contest was progressing. It was a fun running theme and at the end of the show I declared the guy sitting stage right the winner because the stage left guy had dropped his head.
Afterwards, I’m in the lobby peddling my wares and out walks the older guy who had been sitting stage left. He is walking toward me, still staring out into space. A woman is holding his left arm and in his right hand is a long white cane. The guy is fucking blind.
A wave of heat went through my body and I felt a cross between embarrassment and amusement at the situation. As a comic you always want to appear in control and aware of everything but clearly I was cornered on this one and had nowhere to hide.
The guy walks right up to me, extends his hand and says “I had a great time. I really enjoyed your show.”
I thanked him and gave him a DVD for being a good sport, which was stupid because he’s blind; I should have given him the CD. But it was a great, awkward, funny moment that made my night.
The Gay Five
March 5, 2008
As I was sitting, writing this morning, listening to my iPod, it struck me that I have some pretty gay stuff on there. And by “gay” I, of course, mean fabulous.
Here are the top 5:
5. “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”- Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand
This is a classic melodramatic pop ballad sung to perfection by Babs and Mr. Diamond. Their vocal histrionics are pitch perfect and the highs and lows will leave you emotionally exhausted by the end of the track, if not sooner.
4. “Here You Come Again”- Dolly Parton
As soon as I hear Dolly’s world weary southern twang combined with that impossibly catchy piano riff… “there go all my defenses”.
3. “If You Ask Me To”- Celine Dion
Another bombast-filled ballad that is right in the young Celine’s wheelhouse. The knockout punch is delivered, for me, when she gets to the part where she repeats “for you babyyyyyy” and holds it. Don’t even bother, I’m down for the count.
2. “Sound of Music Soundtrack”
It takes me back to childhood, watching the movie with my family every year. So many memories- my twin crushes on Maria and Liesl, my disdain for the Baronness, my love of the hills.
1. “Mmm Bop”- Hanson
Indisputably gay but I don’t care what anyone says, this track (produced by the Dust Brothers, mind you) is reminiscent of early Jackson 5 and always has me reaching for my dancing shoes. Why? “It’s a secret no one knows”.