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I Save Puppies
May 29, 2008
So it starts out as a perfect lazy spring night at home; I’m laying on the couch drinking a glass of merlot, flipping back and forth between the Mets game, Last Comic Standing and the Spurs/Lakers. The Mets are winning, a few of my friends appear on L.C.S. and the Lakers are whittling down what had been a huge Spurs lead.
As half-time approaches I get a hankering for Dunkin’ Donuts. I decide I will run out at the half to satisfy my craving. The Lakers cut it to six at the half, I throw on pants and a shirt and bolt out for my donuts.
I call my friend, Gil, out in L.A. to pass the time and talk about the Lakers as I walk to Dunkin’ Donuts. Gil and I have known each other since high school yet we usually keep our conversations to Knicks and Lakers updates.
I’m talking to Gil, he’s asking my how I like the Knicks hiring Mike D’Antoni as their coach. I say I like it because he coaches LeBron on the USA team and maybe that will help lure LeBron to NY in 2010, when he becomes a free agent.
As I’m crossing a crowded intersection (the very same intersection from a few blogs ago), I notice a tiny animal trailing behind me, scurrying about.
At first I think it’s a cat but I realize it’s a little puppy; a scared, little puppy following me out into traffic. Now you should know I am not a dog person. My family never had a dog, I’m not particularly comfortable around them but I have gotten slightly better in recent years. I totally forget I’m talking to Gil and start yelling at the dog “Hey! Hey! Hey! Go back over there, little guy!” The cars stop and I tell Gil I’ll have to call him back later, I have to save a puppy.
The puppy is doing that thing where it is cowering yet following you at the same time.
I realize I’m going to have to pick it up, which concerns me. I don’t think I’ve ever picked up a dog. In fact, it seems weird and unnatural to me to pick one up, like when those animal handlers pick up a goat or something on The Tonight Show. It just doesn’t seem right, or at least it doesn’t seem like anything I would ever do.
But there I am and there he is, in the middle of the intersection, so I have no choice but to scoop his tiny body up and carry him to safety. I think it’s a terrier. The only reason I know that is because that was my high school mascot. There is a restaurant with outdoor seating on the corner and I now realize that they are witnessing my heroism.
I now have a dog in my arms and no idea who it belongs to or what to do. I ring a couple of doorbells of the houses along the street and nobody is answering, which makes sense because it’s almost 11pm. Finally, these two girls come out. They are in their early twenties and immediately start making high pitches noises when they see the adorable puppy.
“Awww! Look at him! Is that your puppy?”
Yeah, I rang your doorbell at 11pm to show you my puppy.
“No, I found it in the street. I was wondering if it was yours or if you know who he belongs to.”
At this point a young gay guy comes out of the house. I guess he lives with them, too. It’s like a Three’s Company or Real World type deal.
One of the girls says,”It’s not ours. I don’t recognize it. Awww! Look at him!!! Yeah, baby! He’s so scared.”
The gay guy chimes in “I know the people next door have a dog. But it’s not this one.”
Thanks, gay guy.
The other girl says “You just found it in the street?”
“Yeah. I was just crossing the street and I saw him following behind me, out into traffic.”
“So you saved a puppy?!”
“I guess so. Yeah. I saved a puppy.”
While they fawn over the puppy I decide to call 3-1-1 and see if NYC provides any animal rescue service. It turns out they do, but only during regular business hours. The operator asks “Do you have a box you could put it in until the morning?”
I thank her for her help and tell her I’ll figure something out.
Now Jack, Chrissy and Janice’s landlord comes out and they ask him if they can keep the puppy. Mr. Furley says “I think I’ve seen that puppy before. I think it belongs to the lady around the corner. We can ask her in the morning. You can keep it overnight.”
Satisfied that the puppy is safe and in good hands, I thank them and take off for Dunkin’ Donuts. I feel a mixture of pride and bemusement at the fact that a simple donut run can turn into an animal rescue mission. You truly never know what awaits when you walk out your door.
A block from Dunkin’ Donuts I notice a Mister Softee truck. I make an executive decision and opt for a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles, scrapping my original donut plan. Ice cream feels more appropriate than donuts to celebrate a heroic act, though cops may disagree.
I walk back home, savoring my ice cream cone and replaying the rescue in my mind. It all happened so fast, I want to make sure to recount every detail. If the news were there I could picture myself saying “I’m no hero. Just a guy who was in the right place at the right time.”
As I approach the block where the girls lived I wonder if they’ll still be out there. Sure enough, they’re all still out there sitting on the stoop. I give a wave as I walk by and one of the girls yells out “Someone came for it! It was someone around the corner where you rang the doorbells!”
“Really? Oh, good, good!” I immediately felt strange saying “good” twice but I think it was appropriate. I was excited that the story had an even happier ending than what I had assumed.
A perfect spring night; a puppy saved and returned to his rightful owner, an ice cream cone and a community brought a bit closer together by the simple heroic act of one man in the right place at the right time.
All in a day’s work, my friends. All in a day’s work.
Crossing Over
April 4, 2008
This morning I was crossing the street at a busy intersection by an elementary school in my neighborhood. Across the street from me stood a school crossing guard, a sixty-something year old woman decked out in official “guard gear”, bundled in layers despite sunny, fifty degree temperatures. Crossing guards and homeless people never seem to dress appropriately for the seasons.
Anyway, I’m at the corner confronted with a potentially combustible combination; no traffic, an illuminated solid red “Don’t Walk” hand with an irascible crossing guard stationed just beneath. The scene played out like a classic gun fight in the old west. Only, rather than a ten gallon cowboy hat she was wearing the standard crossing guard headgear; that weird boxy thing peculiar to crossing guards and pre-1970’s nurses.
Our eyes locked. Hers squinted slightly, suggesting “I wouldn’t if I were you”. I stared back, first at her, then at the “Don’t Walk” sign, a quick glance at her white sash and badge, then back at her. I could feel my heart rate increasing and my blood pumping through my veins. I felt alive.
It was now or never; I made my move. My confident gait propelled me through the crosswalk, toward her, as if in slow motion like the cliched shot in every action movie. Chin up and jaw squared, I strutted defiantly, dismissing everything she believed in, the very tenets she had built her adult life upon. A life of rules. A life of structure and discipline. A life of crossing at the green and not in between.
I could feel her icy stare piercing through me but somehow it felt good. A voice reassured me with every step, “You’re a grown man. You’ve been crossing streets by yourself for close to thirty years. You don’t need anyone’s help or permission. You can probably buy one of those badges at a 99 cent store.”
As I arrived at her corner she looked at me with all the contempt and disdain she could muster. The trace of a smile came across my lips. She shook her head disapprovingly. I could almost hear her say “This isn’t over. We’ll meet again.”
“I hope we do.” I continued past, a dizzying mix of adrenaline and pride welling inside of me.
“I hope we do.”
Iraq Fatigue
April 1, 2008
Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about Americans suffering from “Iraq Fatigue”. The news is reporting that over sixty percent of Americans are fatigued by the war in Iraq, to say nothing of Afghanistan. I bet those numbers are even higher because, until I knew there was an actual term for it, I wasn’t even aware that I was suffering from it.
What makes the condition even more troubling is that over sixty percent of Americans can’t locate Iraq on a map, so we are fatigued by a place we can’t even find.
Rather than sit on my ass and complain I decided to do something about it. I wrote a letter to a soldier in Iraq, telling him about the situation.
Dear U.S. soldier,
I am writing to tell you how fatigued we are becoming with the war back home. I don’t know how you guys feel about the war you are fighting but we are really tired of it. You would not believe how often we have to read about it, sometimes even on the front page. Not to mention the occasional television coverage or online story. Do you have internet access over there? If so, google “Iraq War” and you’ll see what I mean. It’s ridiculous. It’s like “Alright already! We get it! There’s a war going on!” It’s exhausting. I’m telling you I’ve had about all I can stand and I am not alone.
Anyway, I figured a little taste of home would brighten your day over there. Get home soon and get home safe; America could really use the pick-me-up!
Sincerely,
Ted Alexandro
E.T. Phone Home
April 1, 2008
Elliott Spitzer is the latest politician to get busted for having an affair. John McCain was also alleged to have cheated on his wife, though not with a prostitue. Personally, I don’t care if a politician cheats on his wife. That’s why a politican’s wife is referred to as the “first lady”- you’re not the only lady, just the first. It’s built right in there.
Of course I feel badly for the wife in these situations. I can’t imagine too many things being more devastating than finding out your spouse has cheated. That said, marriage is “for better or for worse” and it looks like worse just rolled into town. I think it’s commendable to stick it out, work through it together, get counseling. Do whatever you have to do to eventually get to the point where you can look back together and laugh about it. “Remember that time I had to step down as governor because I fucked a prostitute? That was pretty funny, huh?”
I can’t imagine having to confess to your wife and then, right afterwards, to your kids. “Girls, did you hear all that screaming and glass breaking in the other room? Well, Daddy has to tell you something. Mommy is mad because Daddy spent a lot of money on something. Something that Mommy already has. A vagina. You know how sometimes you ask Daddy for money for a new outfit even though you already have a lot of perfectly good outfits? Well, that’s how Daddy felt about Mommy’s vagina. Now go play.”
While reflecting on Elliott and his gal pal, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I was reminded of Neil Diamond’s “Heartlight”.
Come back again
I want you to stay next time
’Cause sometimes the world ain’t kind
When people get lost like you and me
I just made a friend
A friend is someone you need
But now that he had to go away
I still feel the words that he might say
He’s lookin’ for home
’Cause everyone needs a place
And home’s the most excellent place of all
And I’ll be right here if you should call me
Turn on your heartlight, Elliott. You’ll find your way home.
Letter To a Young Comedian
March 24, 2008
And so it begins
Today you honor the persistent call of your soul and leap
into the magnificent unknown; terrain which will become familiar
which in time will become home
You will become intimate
with uncertainty
with doubt
with complete terror
You will learn not to resist
but to embrace these frequent visitors
And as you navigate your path
they will become
trusted companions
as necessary
as confidence
as boldness
as belief
Understand
You are doing nothing less
than facilitating
your own birth
Declaring “I am”
Lending your voice to the celestial choir
that exclaims
Yes
I believe
A belief that will be
repeatedly tested
challenged
mocked
But with the simple and
heroic
act of
continuing on
you are asserting
that you are numbered
among
the believers
Welcome
Gas Leak
March 14, 2008
I’m sitting in a cafe, reading, and this older dude just farted. Pretty loudly. Myself and a woman both looked up and the guy says “Sorry”. Really matter of factly.
Honestly, I was okay with it once he apologized. He owned up to it. He didn’t try to pretend it wasn’t him or ignore the fact that he just ripped one. A simple “Sorry” and we all went back to what we were doing, a tacit acceptance of his fart apology.
In my head I was thinking “Apology accepted but you’re banned for like, two weeks.” If I farted audibly in a public place I could not show my face there for at least two weeks. We’ll see if he imposes the same strict standards on himself. Had it smelled the ban would automatically jump to four weeks, so he was lucky in that regard. I’ll be watching for that guy.
Staring Contest
March 8, 2008
During the early show last night I noticed an older guy, stage right, who was stone faced and staring past the stage looking almost frightened. A bit later I noticed an even older gentleman, stage left, who was also unresponsive and staring into space. Occasionally you get people sitting right up front who have that deer-in-headlights look, to the point where they’re almost unable to enjoy the show. It was oddly amusing to me and I had to point it out so I said “I don’t mean to interrupt but are the two of you having a staring contest? Well, good luck to you both; may the best man win. I’ll do my best to stay out of your sight lines.”
Throughout the show I would go back to them and pepper some comments , some play-by-play about how their contest was progressing. It was a fun running theme and at the end of the show I declared the guy sitting stage right the winner because the stage left guy had dropped his head.
Afterwards, I’m in the lobby peddling my wares and out walks the older guy who had been sitting stage left. He is walking toward me, still staring out into space. A woman is holding his left arm and in his right hand is a long white cane. The guy is fucking blind.
A wave of heat went through my body and I felt a cross between embarrassment and amusement at the situation. As a comic you always want to appear in control and aware of everything but clearly I was cornered on this one and had nowhere to hide.
The guy walks right up to me, extends his hand and says “I had a great time. I really enjoyed your show.”
I thanked him and gave him a DVD for being a good sport, which was stupid because he’s blind; I should have given him the CD. But it was a great, awkward, funny moment that made my night.
The Gay Five
March 5, 2008
As I was sitting, writing this morning, listening to my iPod, it struck me that I have some pretty gay stuff on there. And by “gay” I, of course, mean fabulous.
Here are the top 5:
5. “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”- Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand
This is a classic melodramatic pop ballad sung to perfection by Babs and Mr. Diamond. Their vocal histrionics are pitch perfect and the highs and lows will leave you emotionally exhausted by the end of the track, if not sooner.
4. “Here You Come Again”- Dolly Parton
As soon as I hear Dolly’s world weary southern twang combined with that impossibly catchy piano riff… “there go all my defenses”.
3. “If You Ask Me To”- Celine Dion
Another bombast-filled ballad that is right in the young Celine’s wheelhouse. The knockout punch is delivered, for me, when she gets to the part where she repeats “for you babyyyyyy” and holds it. Don’t even bother, I’m down for the count.
2. “Sound of Music Soundtrack”
It takes me back to childhood, watching the movie with my family every year. So many memories- my twin crushes on Maria and Liesl, my disdain for the Baronness, my love of the hills.
1. “Mmm Bop”- Hanson
Indisputably gay but I don’t care what anyone says, this track (produced by the Dust Brothers, mind you) is reminiscent of early Jackson 5 and always has me reaching for my dancing shoes. Why? “It’s a secret no one knows”.