It Ain’t Easy Being Handsome
July 11, 2008
There is an italian deli in my neighborhood that prepares amazing heroes. They have dozens of different sandwiches, each with its own original fun name. Some are named for celebrities, such as the “Robert DeNiro” or the “Ed Burns”, who coincidentally co-starred in the very forgettable and aptly named “15 Minutes”.
I usually order the “Maria’s Hero”, which is breaded eggplant with red peppers, arugula, tomatoes and a nice balsamic vinaigrette.
The guy who works the register is the owner and he’s italian-american, heavy on the italian. I always feel like I have to amp up my italianness (or italian-americanness) when I go in there. I’ll throw out a “How ya doooin’?” when I enter, just to keep up. I’m always a little scared he’ll figure out my game and expose me for the fraud that I am but it’s exhilarating to live dangerously and see how long I can keep it going.
One bit of information that bears mentioning is that the owner almost always addresses me as “handsome”.
“How are ya, handsome? Will that be all?”
I’m always a little thrown and yet secretly thrilled that he addressed me as “handsome”. But what sucks is I get spoiled and expect it every time and sometimes, for whatever reason, he doesn’t say it. Maybe he’s busy or didn’t look up and see me, who knows. But this leads to frantic self-examination, trying to figure out why I didn’t rate a “handsome” that day. Is it my outfit? Should I have trimmed my beard?
Recently I went in and ordered my typical “Maria’s”, which I shorten it to now. While the guy behind the counter was making my hero I went over to the owner to make polite conversation and go “handsome” fishing. I got my handsome but not in the way I expected.
The European Soccer Championships were being played and I knew that Italy had just been eliminated so I figured I could work that in.
“How ya doooin’? Italy had a tough loss, huh?”
“Yeah, they’re no good. They’re a bunch of drama queens. Everything’s a big drama.”
“Yeah”, I said, not really knowing what he was talking about.
“And that Toni… Luca Toni? He didn’t do anything!”
“I know”. I didn’t really know.
“He’s out there with his hair! That’s all he cares about. He’s so fuckin’ handsome!”
What? I was at a loss. I had no idea how to respond to this one so I just let it hang. But he kept going.
“His fuckin’ hair is so long and beautiful. He don’t care!”
“No, I guess not.”
“Alright, handsome. Six dollars.”
Now I was confused. Is being handsome good or bad? He was just very angry at Luca Toni for being handsome and now he’s lumping me in, too. But I hardly have any hair at all, so I guess it was more about the way Toni plays than his being handsome.
Anyway, I’ll keep going in and keep pretending to be more italian than I am and keep hoping to be called handsome. Maybe, if all goes well, someday I’ll look up at the menu and see that the “Maria’s Hero” has been renamed “The Handsome”.
One can dream.
Comments
One Response to “It Ain’t Easy Being Handsome”
Got something to say?
Mr. Alexandro!!! You were my music teacher at P.S. 203!!!
My friend and I saw you on comedy central presents - a while back .
I remember when we were in third grade you had an old fashioned’ish black car and you taught us recorder and chorus.
We had no idea that our music teacher would become a super cool comedian!!!
Congratulations!!!